


The Two Loneliest Boys in the Universe

by theoffkeydiva



Category: Artemis Fowl - Eoin Colfer
Genre: Boarding School, Gen, Loneliness, Original Character(s), Pre-Canon, School, Slice of Life, St. Bart's
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-21
Updated: 2019-12-21
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:40:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21889843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theoffkeydiva/pseuds/theoffkeydiva
Summary: James McCann knows why everyone at St. Bart's keeps their distance from Artemis Fowl, but really, he doesn't seem that bad...
Comments: 3
Kudos: 63
Collections: Artemis Fowl Yuletide





	The Two Loneliest Boys in the Universe

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mentosmorii](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mentosmorii/gifts).



> This is my first fic, so I hope you enjoy. Thanks so much for mentomorii for putting on the Yule Fic Exchange!

Southern Ireland, 1999, St. Bart’s School for Boys

Twelve-year-old James McCann really wanted to be friends with Artemis Fowl, it was just that the other boy wouldn’t let him. Mam had always said that he ought to try and make friends with everyone and so it made logical sense that he and Artemis ought to be friends, as the lone two merit students in the class. Of course, Artemis’s family didn’t need the scholarship, his mam told him he was rich, she having found out from her cousin who lived one county over and had once been a waitress at one of Fowl’s infamous catered Christmas parties. Nevertheless, Artemis was undeniably the smartest in the class so while his family still paid his school fees, he still got the title of merit student. On the first day, someone had tried to tease the younger boy about it, but he had quickly responded, saying: “ Oh, you’re right, I’m smart enough AND rich enough to get into this school: a billionaire genius, how humiliating.” James thought that claiming to be a billionaire was pushing it a little (he wasn’t the one with the money, his parents were), but he had to admit that it was a good comeback. That was what James liked about Fowl; he was funny. He was two years younger than everyone else in the year, but he was arguably the most vicious. At first, James had wanted to be friends with him because he felt sorry for the younger boy, but it quickly turned to admiration. Fowl had the sharpish wit he had ever seen and James knew he would get quicker with him to keep him on his toes.

That exact reason, however, was why most of the boys gave Fowl a wide berth. James thought that Artemis was  _ cool _ and he wished that he could follow his Mam’s instructions and befriend him but Artemis would have none of it: whenever James tried to approach, he was summarily rebuked. James won’t feel so mad about that if Artemis appeared to have any other friends, but day after day, he would be sitting alone. But James had noticed that Fowl was never very mean whenever he refused James offers of friendship. He would simply arch an eyebrow and walk away. He didn’t seem like he would embarrass James in front of the school, in fact, last time he looked a little pained just as he was turned his back, as if he was sorry to refuse.

This change in behavior was such a notable good sign that James brought it up with his only other somewhat friend, his roommate, Sean O’Neil. The other boy mostly also ignored James except for the necessary housekeeping items and an occasional chat about rugby but he was willing to instruct James in this one piece of St. Bart’s etiquette. “McCann, stop trying to talk to Fowl,” said, “You and I are mates because we are both normal people. Fowl is not a normal person.” James found it hard to see how any normal person could afford a luxury boarding school and was about to point this out when O’Neil cut him off. “I mean yeah, my family is well off but Fowl is a whole other level of rich. I heard that someone once insulted him in gym class, and he bought the company that the lad’s father worked at out of spite. He’s the kind of rich that won’t be your friend unless you can offer something to him. That’s why he has no friends, we have nothing to offer him. I know that you don’t understand the rules here yet because it is your first term here, but Fowl is a bad piece of business and you should count yourself lucky he hasn’t found a reason to turn on you yet.” All of James protests about Fowl seeming lonely died on this tongue, as he realized that he could never make O’Neil understand. He decided to shut up about it but still kept turning it over in his head, because in James’s view because surely Fowl and he were destined to be friends.

The teachers also inadvertently seemed to think so. “Fowl, please pair up with McCann for this assignment,” said Mrs. Smith. She knew that she had just potentially kicked a wasp’s nest, but someone had to be the Fowl boy’s partner and it certainly couldn’t be one of the dozen boys that Artemis had gravely insulted in the past 6 weeks since the term had started in September, and since St. Bart’s prided itself on small class sizes that really only left McCann. Mrs. Smith couldn’t tell if his chronic bad disposition was a) because he was the youngest in the class (having been placed in an advanced level for most subjects), b) because he was having a hard time adjusting to boarding school or c) if it was because the child was a spoiled snotty brat. Several weeks ago, she would have been generous and said it was a) and b) but now she was thoroughly convinced that it was c).

Artemis turned to look at James, and the whole class held their breath. Waiting to hear what Artemis would say next was a favorite sport. He wasn’t enough of a smart-aleck to be the class clown, but when he did have a comeback it was whispered and repeated for days later. “Very well,” he sighed, “James it is.” 

Mrs. Smith practically sang the  _ Ode to Joy _ as Artemis quietly walked over to McCann’s seat. True, the sighs and forlorn looks at his abandoned copy of Newton’s  _ Principia  _ on his desk were perhaps a bit cheeky, but she was willing to ignore that if it meant not having to tangle with Fowl today.

James was practically vibrating in his seat as Artemis walked over. “Hello, Artemis, it would be in our mutual best interest to be friends,” James said as he stood and shook Artemis’s hand. O’Neil had been right, Artemis was clearly a man of business. He just needed to show that he had something to offer.

“Really? And why is that?” Artemis must admit that McCann was speaking his language, even if he didn’t think that their friendship was beneficial or even likely. McCann had offered overtures in friendship several times. On the last occasion, Artemis had vowed to himself to put an end to it by delivering one of his legendary quips should the boy try again, but he had never before phrased the proposition as a business deal and Artemis was interested in where the change in technique would lead.  _ Best to let him get it off his chest, _ Artemis thought,  _ and then I can properly dispell him _ . James, meanwhile overjoyed by this unusually warm reception from Fowl, puffed up his chest and began.

“One, as we are both merit students that suggests that we must have at least an above-average ability, and you said yourself on First Day, that you were a genius and so had little time for play, whereas I could help you.. study?” Artemis remained silent, simply arching one eyebrow, which James took as an indication to continue. “Yeah, and I could help you with your experiments and...Stuff....” James had thought that this speech had sounded better in his head, but now staring into the terrible face that still was cocking a single eyebrow at his while looking faintly bemused, James realized all at once that O’Neil had been right and that he could never be friends with Fowl.  _ Oh, shit, I don’t even know what he does when not in class, what could I possibly offer him! Oh, here it comes, I’m about to get skewered and it will be my own fault too.  _

_ Father was wrong, he actually likes me,  _ thought Artemis, surprised _. I thought he was trying to use me for money or influence since he family has none but this poor boy really has no ulterior motives. He is still a distraction from my work that’s not to be encouraged but... _ Artemis decided to grant McCann a moment of clemency, as unlike his previous victims, he wouldn’t survive being taken down a peg.

“McCann, let’s just get through this project and we will see how it goes, hm?” James, who had been preparing for his social demise, was silently elated.  _ Of course, we should focus on this project first,  _ he thought,  _ and see how it goes from there _ . _ That’s only logical.  _ He smiled. _ Maybe I was right about him after all _ . Meanwhile, Mrs. Smith was glad that she had finally found someone to partner with Fowl, and the rest of the class, disappointed by the lack of drama, went back to work. Except for one. At the back of the room, Sean O’Neil smiled to himself, “ _ Well I’ll be damned, McCann really did it. Maybe Fowl’s gone soft. _

Later that night, when Sean saw James was still in the library as he was going to bed, hard at work on his half of the assignment, he smiled again and thought better of it.


End file.
